“Was training to fix broken boys the top prize in a system fixated on martyrs and the subjugation of girls?” Wooof. I’m going to need to sit with this one, and a few rocking chairs from my past that are bubbling up. Thank you for this. Your willingness to examine your own experience in such a public way is extremely valuable, and I hope it brings clarity to you as it does your audience.
Thank you, Jess. There's something freeing about just putting it in writing (in a ways that feels protected and not overly public.) I'm grateful for this space and all of us. 🩷
I am so sure these comments are going to fill up with women and the rocking chairs and picture frames hurled at their heads. And it’s just so so … normal. And that is just the saddest part.
For me…it was an uncle, a Coast Guard, a police officer, and others… 43 year old me rages for the little girl I once was. And for all of you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I have lived the rocking chair tossed as a child, and as an adult. As a mother of a daughter who thinks the sun rises and sets in all things Swiftie related my mama gut ached when I watched her boyfriend rage on the sidelines. He let the entire world, Infront of his own mama, girlfriend and God, see his seething anger. And then a few hours later laugh and kiss and celebrate when everything was going his way.
Your line about his being totally fine when things were going his way is what is really scariest about these type of things. And the sneakiness that is a rage problem. When things aren’t going my way, what is my response? Your words have me thinking and I am grateful for that Nakita.
Yes! Another layer, one I processed with Cory but realizing it didn't make it into this piece, is that I am closely connected to anger. I understand it. His reaction felt familiar to me, even personally. This has been part of my work, as well. I hope he (and all the rest) take it seriously and begin the work before it destroys them.
Thank you for writing this, Shannan. I worked for a Domestic Violence agency for several years. My role (in addition to serving as the agency's publicist) was to visit middle and high school health classes to instruct them in "safe dating." I also produced a student drama about the topic. The stories that were shared about the heartache too many students endured because they hadn't been told they deserved better -- it was overwhelming. We created awareness, offered guidance and gave voice to the stories they were afraid to tell. Thank you for sharing your experience and for supporting our Taylor. I have the same red flags but she is one smart woman and I'm hoping the football player is not her "end game." I'll be sharing your post on my Substack.
Oh, Shannan. This one took the wind right out of me and I feel it deep in my gut. I hope I am teaching my four girls more discernment than anyone taught me at their ages (thank you, purity culture). And I recognize the level of vulnerability that it took for you to write this as an Enneagram 8. ❤️
Thank you, Joy. And yes, I remember many years ago telling one of my kids "listen to your body" and then immediately feeling like I was in trouble and not allowed to say such things. Detaching from our bodies runs deep and it's so messed up. (I tell my kids, myself ,and others ALL the time now to listen to and trust their bodies.)
Thank you for this. The stories we aren't allowed to tell are the ones we so desperately need to hear and give others the permission to tell their own.
And I love hearing about other writers' relationships with journaling (or lackthereof). I love this line you wrote, "You don’t write to God about hidden desire." And yet, my experience of journaling was so opposite, often the only place I allowed myself to be honest. <3
It's more self-protective for me, honestly. Wrestling through my feelings and responsibilities in publicly "naming" a real person as an abuser decades after the fact.
This was very powerful. Thank you for sharing something so personal. I found it interesting on my personal social who said “no it’s not ok”, and who said “it’s part of the game.”
His outburst triggered something in me immediately and it was bothering me that it seemed to just be dropped as a “heat of the moment kind of thing.” How many lives have been devastated and changed forever because of a “heat of the moment”? His face shows something deeper and having been on the end of that as a teenager years ago, I would say RUN as fast as you can! Thank you, thank you, thank you…for going there with this for women and victims of every age everywhere. 🥺❤️🙏🏼
This should be in the NYT... but we love the facade too much, I'm afraid. Thank you for saying it anyway.
Why, thank you. :) And yes, the facade is tough to penetrate. But we can keep doing it here, and in the corners of our beloved lives. 🩷
“Was training to fix broken boys the top prize in a system fixated on martyrs and the subjugation of girls?” Wooof. I’m going to need to sit with this one, and a few rocking chairs from my past that are bubbling up. Thank you for this. Your willingness to examine your own experience in such a public way is extremely valuable, and I hope it brings clarity to you as it does your audience.
Thank you, Jess. There's something freeing about just putting it in writing (in a ways that feels protected and not overly public.) I'm grateful for this space and all of us. 🩷
I am so sure these comments are going to fill up with women and the rocking chairs and picture frames hurled at their heads. And it’s just so so … normal. And that is just the saddest part.
For me…it was an uncle, a Coast Guard, a police officer, and others… 43 year old me rages for the little girl I once was. And for all of you.
Raging with you. It's devastating that most of us have stories hidden somewhere. 🖤
May our sons and daughters recognize the value of gentle men.
🩷🩷
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I have lived the rocking chair tossed as a child, and as an adult. As a mother of a daughter who thinks the sun rises and sets in all things Swiftie related my mama gut ached when I watched her boyfriend rage on the sidelines. He let the entire world, Infront of his own mama, girlfriend and God, see his seething anger. And then a few hours later laugh and kiss and celebrate when everything was going his way.
"When people tell you who they are, believe them." I'm so sorry you've suffered in this way, too. It's wrong. We'll just keep saying it. 🖤
Your line about his being totally fine when things were going his way is what is really scariest about these type of things. And the sneakiness that is a rage problem. When things aren’t going my way, what is my response? Your words have me thinking and I am grateful for that Nakita.
Yes! Another layer, one I processed with Cory but realizing it didn't make it into this piece, is that I am closely connected to anger. I understand it. His reaction felt familiar to me, even personally. This has been part of my work, as well. I hope he (and all the rest) take it seriously and begin the work before it destroys them.
Thank you. I don’t have the adequate words right now so I’ll stop with thanks. 🩷
🖤🖤🖤
Thank you for writing this, Shannan. I worked for a Domestic Violence agency for several years. My role (in addition to serving as the agency's publicist) was to visit middle and high school health classes to instruct them in "safe dating." I also produced a student drama about the topic. The stories that were shared about the heartache too many students endured because they hadn't been told they deserved better -- it was overwhelming. We created awareness, offered guidance and gave voice to the stories they were afraid to tell. Thank you for sharing your experience and for supporting our Taylor. I have the same red flags but she is one smart woman and I'm hoping the football player is not her "end game." I'll be sharing your post on my Substack.
Thank you for sharing your work with us. 😭 I know it made a difference.
Oh, Shannan. This one took the wind right out of me and I feel it deep in my gut. I hope I am teaching my four girls more discernment than anyone taught me at their ages (thank you, purity culture). And I recognize the level of vulnerability that it took for you to write this as an Enneagram 8. ❤️
Thank you, Joy. And yes, I remember many years ago telling one of my kids "listen to your body" and then immediately feeling like I was in trouble and not allowed to say such things. Detaching from our bodies runs deep and it's so messed up. (I tell my kids, myself ,and others ALL the time now to listen to and trust their bodies.)
All of this!
(here we are, still thinking about her...) Grateful for you. 🩷
Thank you for this. The stories we aren't allowed to tell are the ones we so desperately need to hear and give others the permission to tell their own.
And I love hearing about other writers' relationships with journaling (or lackthereof). I love this line you wrote, "You don’t write to God about hidden desire." And yet, my experience of journaling was so opposite, often the only place I allowed myself to be honest. <3
I find it so hopeful that you somehow had the faith/trust to know you could be totally honest at a young age. 🌱
FWIW... while I am sure there would be push back.... this would an excellent piece of work to make available to everyone.
It's more self-protective for me, honestly. Wrestling through my feelings and responsibilities in publicly "naming" a real person as an abuser decades after the fact.
Good point!!!!! Hadn't thought through THAT aspect of it!
Sending a big hug as you process thoughts and feelings!!!!
This is so beautiful and so brave. Your ability to mix personal stories and headlines to speak truth is astonishing.
Thank you for providing a safe place to process some painful stuff. 🖤
I’m so sorry that happened to you.
This is such a smart post.
🫶🏻
This was very powerful. Thank you for sharing something so personal. I found it interesting on my personal social who said “no it’s not ok”, and who said “it’s part of the game.”
Yeah, me too!
This is heartbreaking. I hate imagining you scared and shattered. Also hate the pervasiveness of unchecked and even excused white male rage 😡
Thank you, friend. And I agree. It's shocking how little people expect.
His outburst triggered something in me immediately and it was bothering me that it seemed to just be dropped as a “heat of the moment kind of thing.” How many lives have been devastated and changed forever because of a “heat of the moment”? His face shows something deeper and having been on the end of that as a teenager years ago, I would say RUN as fast as you can! Thank you, thank you, thank you…for going there with this for women and victims of every age everywhere. 🥺❤️🙏🏼