I am in full body sob mode - for you, for your former congregation, for Cory's sleepless nights, for the only church your children have ever known, for the garden and the ashes and your worn out nervous system. I love you beyond measure.
I am the director of a center that works with child abuse victims and the compulsion to protect predators is astonishingly common. I am so sorry for your experience and the loss of your church family. You have been brilliantly brave on behalf of voiceless victims. Thank you. May grace abound in your life in the most unexpected ways.
Here to agree that the way your church went about things with this man was unacceptable. There is a right way to allow a person with a criminal past, even one in which it was a child victim to worship with you. In our church we have a couple that comes to celebrate recovery and our church. They approached our leadership before they ever began attending and explained that the husband had done prison time for soliciting a child. They answered all questions, told leadership what was being done to prevent further aberrant behavior (many many things) and they agreed to all limitations put on them. Which included not being in the building where we have Sunday school, only being there to worship with wife, etc. He has also been open about his story in the celebrate recovery ministry where many church members attend.
Just wanted to give you confirmation that there is a way to do this with grace and love toward the former offender while still loving and protecting the church body appropriately.
Thank you for drawing a line and standing up for the vulnerable. As tough as it must be, you’ve sent a profound message to your children and the church members who understand the truth. Praying for God to heal your wounds and for your story to encourage others.
Thank you for this and for you. We have some unresolved things hooked in our very middles that happened (and required the Unspoken Rule of Silence - protect the brand like good little soldiers, ya know 😜) nearly *thirty* years ago. Just two days ago, someone from our life back then resurfaced and asked what happened, and I realized I have an opportunity to simply tell. the. truth. My knee jerk is still to "be gracious," (i. e. - don't tell the truth and instead say the nice and gracious things 🤮) HOWEVER, I'm done participating in coverup culture and it starts, for me, with getting okay with simply stating facts. It happened, it was so incredibly wrong and harmful. That's not gossip or "raising my hand against God's anointed" (🙄), it's truth-telling, and freedom and truth are directly linked. Thanks for blazing a trail, and sharing about it, because - as in so many other kinds of instances - you make me brave. 💗
I walked this as I exposed my (now ex-)husband to church leadership at our seemingly progressive and feminist mainline church. It still makes me sick. It’s like taking something beautiful and dredging it in slop and muck. Thank you for sharing and for doing the right thing.
I am so very sorry this has happened in your beloved church. Why does the church always choose to protect the reputation of a man over the safety of women and children? We were where you are about 10 years ago. An older, married man became obsessed with our family and particularly our 19 year old daughter. He started stalking our family, parking in front of our house and just sitting in his truck while my husband was at work, and saying inappropriate things to other men about our daughter. I went to our pastor and told him what was happening. I said, “I don’t know what to do.” He told me, you don’t need to do anything else, you’ve told me and that’s all you need to do.” We stopped going to church and didn’t hear from the pastor or anyone in leadership again. NO ONE reached out to us. We heard through a friend who had also contacted the pastor about the situation that he didn’t want this spreading around the church. About two weeks later, as this guy sat in front of our house at 9pm, our 21 year old son went out and confronted him. A terrible fight ensued. I called the wife and told her what was happening and that I was going to the police. She told me “this isn’t about your daughter”, and “I don’t want his reputation destroyed over this.” We went to the police the next day to file a report and heard through the grapevine that the guy was committed to a hospital for 6 weeks. As far as we know, the church never dealt with this. The pastor reached out to us a few years ago and we didn’t respond. The real irony is the wife is a marriage/ women’s counselor with a practice in the church and teaches the women’s Sunday School class. We haven’t been in a church since.
OOOOoooo, I'm so sorry to hear this, Shannan. And it is so relatable-- I'm usually one to reluctantly pick the last (green) tomatoes in November and still set them on the windowsill to ripen. It's so hard to let go of a good thing, even when the good thing is over. We left our church recently too, not over the same issue, but a reluctance from leadership to address or take a stand on LGBTQIA+ rights, among many other issues. We just didn't feel at home there anymore. It hurt to leave, and we hurt many people by leaving, but it was the right thing to do. I hope your hearts heal and find peace and a new community, whatever that looks like. Thank you for sharing your story.
Shannan, I’m so sorry. My heart is heavy for you and with you. I’ll continue to pray for you and your family. He is holding you still.🩷
(“Wintering” by Katherine May is a lovely book you might enjoy in this season. I recently finished it and it was comforting to have someone put new words to difficult seasons.)
Unwritten codes are red flags. If you don’t want to be up front about it - don’t protest when someone questions your motives. Healing is coming for you and yours. There are more people than you can ever imagine going through this same situation. Your story needs telling!
I’m so sorry for what your family has endured and is still enduring. May God continue to bring you peace and healing. Thank you for telling your story. It is important for you, your family, and no doubt others who need to hear it. It makes me so sad and having left a church community for similar reasons, I feel your disorientation, grief, and pain. I wish it wasn’t a familiar story. I just started reading Emily’s book and like you said, the timing of it is a gift! I’m grateful you have her friendship and wisdom. One thing is certain: we never walk alone. God is near. ❤️
I am so, so sorry. Leaving a church community is so hard and leaves one feeling positively bereft for a very long time. The words from your books have brought me comfort and joy. Hoping you find the same (as you did with Emily’s words) along this journey to find another room.
Yes, predators do prey on trusting Christians. I always have my antenna up here and my Holy Spirit detector open. Always listen to that inner voice discernment, esp if it's negative. That will keep you safe.
I am in full body sob mode - for you, for your former congregation, for Cory's sleepless nights, for the only church your children have ever known, for the garden and the ashes and your worn out nervous system. I love you beyond measure.
I am the director of a center that works with child abuse victims and the compulsion to protect predators is astonishingly common. I am so sorry for your experience and the loss of your church family. You have been brilliantly brave on behalf of voiceless victims. Thank you. May grace abound in your life in the most unexpected ways.
Here to agree that the way your church went about things with this man was unacceptable. There is a right way to allow a person with a criminal past, even one in which it was a child victim to worship with you. In our church we have a couple that comes to celebrate recovery and our church. They approached our leadership before they ever began attending and explained that the husband had done prison time for soliciting a child. They answered all questions, told leadership what was being done to prevent further aberrant behavior (many many things) and they agreed to all limitations put on them. Which included not being in the building where we have Sunday school, only being there to worship with wife, etc. He has also been open about his story in the celebrate recovery ministry where many church members attend.
Just wanted to give you confirmation that there is a way to do this with grace and love toward the former offender while still loving and protecting the church body appropriately.
Thank you for drawing a line and standing up for the vulnerable. As tough as it must be, you’ve sent a profound message to your children and the church members who understand the truth. Praying for God to heal your wounds and for your story to encourage others.
Thank you for this and for you. We have some unresolved things hooked in our very middles that happened (and required the Unspoken Rule of Silence - protect the brand like good little soldiers, ya know 😜) nearly *thirty* years ago. Just two days ago, someone from our life back then resurfaced and asked what happened, and I realized I have an opportunity to simply tell. the. truth. My knee jerk is still to "be gracious," (i. e. - don't tell the truth and instead say the nice and gracious things 🤮) HOWEVER, I'm done participating in coverup culture and it starts, for me, with getting okay with simply stating facts. It happened, it was so incredibly wrong and harmful. That's not gossip or "raising my hand against God's anointed" (🙄), it's truth-telling, and freedom and truth are directly linked. Thanks for blazing a trail, and sharing about it, because - as in so many other kinds of instances - you make me brave. 💗
1. You are my favorite writer. You’re so good at giving words to all the things.
2. I’m so sorry. Church breakups are excruciating.
3. Every part of saying this is brave and good. So was waiting until you could hold the story well.
I walked this as I exposed my (now ex-)husband to church leadership at our seemingly progressive and feminist mainline church. It still makes me sick. It’s like taking something beautiful and dredging it in slop and muck. Thank you for sharing and for doing the right thing.
I am so very sorry this has happened in your beloved church. Why does the church always choose to protect the reputation of a man over the safety of women and children? We were where you are about 10 years ago. An older, married man became obsessed with our family and particularly our 19 year old daughter. He started stalking our family, parking in front of our house and just sitting in his truck while my husband was at work, and saying inappropriate things to other men about our daughter. I went to our pastor and told him what was happening. I said, “I don’t know what to do.” He told me, you don’t need to do anything else, you’ve told me and that’s all you need to do.” We stopped going to church and didn’t hear from the pastor or anyone in leadership again. NO ONE reached out to us. We heard through a friend who had also contacted the pastor about the situation that he didn’t want this spreading around the church. About two weeks later, as this guy sat in front of our house at 9pm, our 21 year old son went out and confronted him. A terrible fight ensued. I called the wife and told her what was happening and that I was going to the police. She told me “this isn’t about your daughter”, and “I don’t want his reputation destroyed over this.” We went to the police the next day to file a report and heard through the grapevine that the guy was committed to a hospital for 6 weeks. As far as we know, the church never dealt with this. The pastor reached out to us a few years ago and we didn’t respond. The real irony is the wife is a marriage/ women’s counselor with a practice in the church and teaches the women’s Sunday School class. We haven’t been in a church since.
I am so sorry this happened to you AND, as a lifelong United Methodist I am shocked that the church would protect a sexual predator. How naive of me.
OOOOoooo, I'm so sorry to hear this, Shannan. And it is so relatable-- I'm usually one to reluctantly pick the last (green) tomatoes in November and still set them on the windowsill to ripen. It's so hard to let go of a good thing, even when the good thing is over. We left our church recently too, not over the same issue, but a reluctance from leadership to address or take a stand on LGBTQIA+ rights, among many other issues. We just didn't feel at home there anymore. It hurt to leave, and we hurt many people by leaving, but it was the right thing to do. I hope your hearts heal and find peace and a new community, whatever that looks like. Thank you for sharing your story.
Shannan, I’m so sorry. My heart is heavy for you and with you. I’ll continue to pray for you and your family. He is holding you still.🩷
(“Wintering” by Katherine May is a lovely book you might enjoy in this season. I recently finished it and it was comforting to have someone put new words to difficult seasons.)
It's unconscionable that church leadership would act this way especially in light of all the abuse that's come to light in recent years.
Unwritten codes are red flags. If you don’t want to be up front about it - don’t protest when someone questions your motives. Healing is coming for you and yours. There are more people than you can ever imagine going through this same situation. Your story needs telling!
I’m so sorry for what your family has endured and is still enduring. May God continue to bring you peace and healing. Thank you for telling your story. It is important for you, your family, and no doubt others who need to hear it. It makes me so sad and having left a church community for similar reasons, I feel your disorientation, grief, and pain. I wish it wasn’t a familiar story. I just started reading Emily’s book and like you said, the timing of it is a gift! I’m grateful you have her friendship and wisdom. One thing is certain: we never walk alone. God is near. ❤️
I am so, so sorry. Leaving a church community is so hard and leaves one feeling positively bereft for a very long time. The words from your books have brought me comfort and joy. Hoping you find the same (as you did with Emily’s words) along this journey to find another room.
Yes, predators do prey on trusting Christians. I always have my antenna up here and my Holy Spirit detector open. Always listen to that inner voice discernment, esp if it's negative. That will keep you safe.