On Remaining Surprise-able

Listening with an open heart, asking the hard questions, and making peace with (some) differences

We were 90 minutes deep into our first meeting, tucked into the back corner table of my favorite local coffee house, when she said something that surprised me. “We’ve actually interacted once before. I sent you an email.” Her eyes narrowed a bit, hinting that there was more to the story and that, perhaps, it wasn’t all good.

“Oh no. Did I not write back?” (Emails will surely be the end of me!)

“You did! You were gracious.”

She went on to share that she’d had questions about what I’m really about. Over time, she began to feel the weight of my changes, and it was becoming more evident that I see the world from a different perspective than she does. Ultimately, she wasn’t sure she could carry the tension of our political/theological/philosophical incompatibilities.

I get it.

I’ve found myself asking the same question, and I’ve heard the same from many others.

Ultimately, she chose to step away from me, at least for a while. But as she said, she kept being drawn back in. Eventually, in a stew of her own confusion, she reached out and asked if I would be willing to meet in person.

I often say no to these requests. Life is busy and I have a hard enough time meeting my closest friends for a cup of tea. I can’t explain why, especially since I didn’t know any of the back-story, but I said yes.

And there we were. We talked openly about our differences. She would ask a specific question about x, y, z, and I would respond, sharing how I came to that belief and how my mind had shifted along the way. Almost without exception, she would chuckle and say, with so much kindness in her eyes, “That’s exactly how I feel.”

Back and forth we went, applying the same logic and heart to opposing views.

There was something exciting about sitting with someone who lovingly disagreed with many of the beliefs I hold close. It sort of canceled everything out. What were we left with, after all the boxes went unchecked? We were left with ourselves, imperfect but trying to do the work, even as we landed in different places. We were left telling the truth. Being vulnerable. Laughing together. Seeing each other as fully human.

I hope it’s not the last time I see her. I have no aspiration of “flipping” her to my side, as I often (secretly) do. She knows who I am, and she was able to see me in love. I know who she is, and I was able to see her in love.

That feels like an excellent place to begin.

I want to be clear that this is not me offering a covert “both sides” narrative. There are ideologies that put my family and others in peril. In those cases, I hold boundaries. I don’t have unlimited capacity for these kinds of “safely contrary” relationships. None of us do. My closest relationships do tend to share a foundational belief system upon which smaller differences might peacefully co-exist. I’m just here to speak to the power of remaining open and willing to be surprised.

In a culture that keeps shoving us to opposing sides, sometimes the right thing to do is lean together against the fence and keep talking.

I know some of you might relate to my new friend. Thank you for sticking with me. Authenticity and my deep desire to live a fully-integrated life mean that I am up-front about my interior workings. Keeping my cards on the table feels safest to me. But I promise, there is room for you here. We have things to learn from each other, and maybe the biggest one is simply that we are all only human, doing our best. We will learn and grow and disagree with kindness, humor, and a shared fondness for things like Taylor Swift and pickles.

As I stare out into this surreal world, where violence is barely news-worthy anymore and war feels normal, it is a comfort that though we might not be aligned on everything, we believe *all of this* (sigh) is not the best of us. There’s more. There’s better. We’ll get there faster if we hold eye contact when we’re able, keep railing against oppression in our own small ways, and yeah, somehow manage to put dinner on the table.

These are our actual lives, after all.

In the spirit of this vibrant-and-maddening complexity, along with the utter mundanity (I think I just made up that word?) of our ordinary days, here’s a quick list of things I’ve been loving lately, even as I daydream about changing the world and burning a few things down:

Books

(these are Bookshop affiliate links!)

(I just wrote this whole section then came back to add this one…)

Start with Hello by moi

Even though I’m done writing the book, most of my work right now revolves around this cutie. (It’s also the reason I’m not reading as much as I normally do.) We’re scheming and hustling and making a plan to get this into as many hands as possible. If you know of any podcasters, media people, conference leaders, etc… who might want to hear more, please holler! And if you ever plan to buy the book (I truly wrote it with The Soup subscribers in mind!) please pre-order. Your October self will be glad you did!

Sneak peek:

“It’s not unrealistic to want the easier connection of childhood right here, in the thick of adulthood. It’s not asking too much. It’s remembering what we’ve forgotten. It’s recognizing, again, how we were built and what we were made for. It’s waking up to a dauntless, kid-size vision for friendship and holding hope that it’s out here, waiting for us. It’s attainable. And worth fighting for.” (from page 3!)

I Guess I Haven’t Learned That Yet by Shauna Niequist

“I believe in attending the sunset the way some people buy fancy theater tickets.” (Imagine the ferocity with which I underlined this sentence!!!)

This Here Flesh by Cole Arthur Riley

“Sometimes I wonder if we knelt down and put our ear to the ground, it would whisper up to us, Yes, you were made in the image of God, but God made you of me. We’ve grown numb to the idea that we ourselves are made of the dust, mysteriously connected to the goodness of the creation that surrounds us. Perhaps the more superior we believe ourselves to be to creation, the less like God we become.”

Jesus and the Disinherited by Howard Thurman

(Published in 1976)

“There are few things more devastating than to have it burned into you that you do not count and that no provisions are made for the literal protection of your person. The threat of violence is ever present, and there is no way to determine precisely when it may come crushing down upon you. In modern power politics this is called a war of nerves. The underprivileged in any society are victims of a perpetual war of nerves.”

The Lazy Genius Kitchen by Kendra Adachi

“This is not a cookbook. This is a lifeline.”

Shows

Life and Beth (Hulu)

I’ve been twisting the arms of my friends to watch this dramedy. It’s sweet and funny and spicy and sad. And charming. And real. We loved it. (Not kid-friendly!)

Modern Family

I’ve been watching this one with Silas, because he digs a sitcom. When I asked what he likes about this one he said, “It’s sort of like spying on adults.”

Food

What have I been feeding my family? Seriously, what? I don’t know, pals. What only Secret Soup subscribers know is that I finally did catch COVID a few weeks back. All is well, but 1) It’s May 2) It’s baseball season and we often have 4-5 games a week 3) Work has been intense (see above.)

I made this Spaghetti al Limone earlier this week and patted my own self on my own back. It’s delicious.

Tonight, after our last (wah!!!) baseball game, I plan to make sheet-pan nachos. I haven’t done this in years and there is truly no good excuse for that.

Best for Last

Last week was the annual Jail Ministry pie banquet, the first in 3 years, and I loved it as much as ever. The ministry Cory and his team have built is a true testament to every word of this email. It’s funded exclusively by Elkhart County churches and individuals, and they run the gamut from the most conservative spaces to the most liberal. A prime example of setting aside our differences for the sake of a shared vision.

Anyway! Cory brain-stormed a banger of an opening video. The men from the program ward, along with a local film crew and choreographer (one of Cal’s teachers who also leads the GHS show choir) made it a reality.

I’m not exaggerating when I say I CANNOT stop watching. It’s the best thing I’ve ever seen. It’s worthy of the buzz it’s been getting. These men are artists and poets and theologians with so much to teach us, including dance moves.

Enjoy! I dare you not to watch it one hundred times.

Closing this out with a few more snapshots from the banquet.

Me and my friend Kristen, who is now the President of Cory’s board. I met her ages ago at an IEP meeting for a neighbor, when she was the only administrator of color in the room, and more-or-less forced her into friendship. She’s a stunning human.

Me, Kayla, and her daughter Heaven. They live in one of the jail ministry homes in our neighborhood and spoke at the banquet. Kayla has rebuilt her entire life and is an absolute delight. I’m so proud of both of them!

Me and James - another one of the speakers. Before the banquet I was chatting with him and he casually mentioned that he was Robert’s (my oldest son’s) “bunkie” wayyyy back in the day. What a treasure, to know he was there with him, mentoring him, and telling me about it all these years later.

Silas and Seungju in their banquet attire. :) Seunju’s dad, Sungbin, is one of the assistant chaplains. Seungju is a classmate and friend of Silas’s. (Hats were crocheted by some of the men incarcerated at the jail.)

The guys. Cory, his dad, his younger brother, and Cal. It’s so much fun watching Cory advocate for his friends inside the jail. He’s SO good at it. Also, he shaved his beard off after the banquet, per custom!

All for now!

The next time we talk we’ll be in Full Summer Mode, thanks be to God.

(As always, if you want to hear from me more often, you can subscribe to the Secret Soup!)